Why Building Self-Worth Creates Better Results Than Chasing Success

No matter how many achievements you collect or goals you chase, you'll always return to your baseline level of happiness and well-being. 

You can stay busy your whole life and still not feel truly successful.

But when you focus on being kinder to yourself and improving how you feel inside, everything changes:

• Your work gets better

• Your ideas come more easily

• Your relationships grow stronger

Achievement feels incredible, until it doesn’t. You finally hit “publish”, land the client, get the job, finish the project... and instead of satisfaction, you feel restless. Your mind skips the celebration and races to the next goal.

• "What’s next?"

• "Why don’t I feel better?"

• "Shouldn’t this be enough?"

That was me recently. I spent weeks overthinking every detail of my coaching offer:

• Rewriting

• Tweaking

• Questioning

When I finally finished it, I expected relief.

Instead, I felt anxious. Worried it wasn’t good enough. Afraid of rejection. Already doubting its value.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.

This is the shared struggle of smart, ambitious people everywhere. A challenge many of us face silently, thinking we're the only ones.

The Achievement Hamster Wheel

Do you find yourself believing:

• If I hit X, then I’ll finally feel successful.

• If I make Y amount, I’ll feel safe.

• If I reach Z role, I’ll finally be enough.

Research tells a different story. Major achievements boost happiness only temporarily before we slide back to our baseline. Psychologists call this "hedonic adaptation" – our brain's ability to normalize positive changes.

Each milestone in my career followed this pattern.

• The new job? A brief high.

• The successful project launch? A week of satisfaction.

• The inevitable: "What's next?"

You've likely noticed this pattern in your own life.

The accomplishment that should have satisfied you for months somehow loses its glow within days. Achievement itself isn't the problem. The belief that achieving success will improve how we feel about ourselves is.

This insight has transformed how countless successful people approach both work and life.

The Inner Saboteurs

I've recently joined a Positive Intelligence program cohort, where we explore how certain mental habits, known as "Saboteurs," can undermine our success and happiness.

What are Saboteurs?

• Thought patterns that began as childhood coping mechanisms

• Originally helped us navigate challenges and perceived threats

• Become counterproductive in adulthood

The Impact: These unconscious patterns often lead to stress, self-doubt, and strained relationships.

Each person has their unique combination of Saboteurs influencing their behaviour, typically operating below our awareness.

Here are the three that show up most for me:

The Judge

• "You're not good enough yet"

• "Everyone else is accomplishing more"

• "You should be further along"

The Hyper-Achiever

• “Your worth = your achievements”

• “Rest is weakness”

• “If you’re not progressing, you’re falling behind”

The Pleaser

• “You only matter if you’re useful to others”

• “Don’t make anyone uncomfortable”

• “Put your needs last to stay accepted”

In my case, while creating coaching materials, I'd craft messages, rewrite them repeatedly, then abandon them as drafts, convinced they lacked value.

The constant arguments with these inner critics drain the energy we need for actual progress. They keep us stuck in a loop of:

• Self-doubt

• Overthinking

• Inaction.

Perhaps you've felt this exhausting cycle yourself, wondering why simple tasks become overwhelming when these voices gain strength.

Which voice speaks loudest in your mind? Seeing your patterns helps you understand that everyone faces these same challenges, just in different ways.

Self-Compassion Outperforms Self-Criticism

Here's what might surprise you: Being kind to yourself produces better results than harsh criticism.

Under Self-Criticism:

• Procrastination became default

• Risk-taking felt impossible

• Energy drained before starting tasks

• Perfectionism blocked completion

Under Self-Compassion:

• Creative solutions emerged naturally

• Setbacks became temporary

• Completion rates doubled

• Communication improved

Dr. Kristin Neff's research confirms self-compassion directly links to stronger motivation and emotional resilience because it reduces perceived stress. When you're not fighting yourself, you free up mental resources for actual progress.

The paradox: Treating yourself with kindness produces better performance than driving yourself with criticism.

Breaking the Cycle

Four practical steps that are transforming my relationship with work:

1. Catch your saboteur

When anxiety or self-criticism appears, pause and identify it: "There's my Judge again." Naming the voice creates separation between you and the thought.

2. Connect with your senses

After labeling the saboteur, shift to present-moment awareness through your senses:

• Notice a sound nearby

• Feel the texture under your fingertips

• Observe the colors in your environment

This strengthens the brain regions responsible for conscious choice rather than automatic reactions.

3. Apply strategic self-compassion

Be a good friend to yourself. Change how you motivate yourself:

Instead of: "I have to get this right or I'm a failure."
Try: "I'm learning something challenging, and that takes time."

4. Celebrate Small Wins

When you accomplish something, even if it's a small step, acknowledge it. These small celebrations compound over time, building momentum and confidence.

Building Worth From Within

What would change if you stopped trying to earn your worth through achievement and started building it from within?

You already have everything needed to make this change. The same intelligence that brought you success can now improve your inner life. You'll solve problems better, communicate more skillfully, and act more consistently.

This Week's Challenge:

Notice one saboteur voice when it appears. Don't fight it, but observe with curiosity:

• "There's my Judge criticising me again."

• "I hear my Hyper-Achiever pushing for more."

• "My Pleaser is worried about disappointing someone."

Then ask yourself: "What would I say to a friend facing this situation?" Offer yourself that same kindness.

Which saboteur speaks loudest in your life?

If you feel like sharing, hit reply. I read all these messages. Your thoughts help shape future newsletters.

Until next week,

Alex

P.S. Building self-worth isn't about abandoning achievement, but creating a stronger foundation that naturally leads to better results in wellbeing, performance and relationships.

P.P.S. Want to learn more about saboteurs and how they might be affecting you? Check out this guide.